Struggle with a muddle

Helmut Von-Head

Helmut Von-Head is a self confessed nosy parker. He is constantly poking his nose into anybody’s business, giving what he truly believes as expert advice based on no knowledge, experience or scientific evidence what so ever. He’s a nice chap but incredibly hard to be around for longer than a few hours max. He’s been married 15 times which he believes gives him significant insight into relationship issues. He has no academic qualifications which he believes gives him the absolute knowledge and understanding to critique the education system. He can’t and has absolutely no interest in cooking, but more than anything, longs to go on the British bake off

program. He has a deep passion for chamber music and if requested will willingly recite ‘Schuberts ‘Trout’ Quintet’ on tissue paper and comb, (although it does sound more like a bee buzzing around the room) but Helmut Von-Head has a big heart and although, he gets most things in his life wrong, he just doesn’t give up trying his absolute best to put things right and one of the absolute gems about Helmut Von-Head is that he always changes his vest, pants and socks daily. He truly believes that he has the emotional strength to support someone with their ‘struggle with a muddle’ journey. Here at Studio Gossip we believe in giving people a golden chance to shine and on that note its over to you Helmut Von-Head.

We asked one reader ONLY to write in with a ‘muddle they were struggling with and to follow Helmut’s advice but ONLY if they felt confident to:

Question 1: Helmut, Helmut, Helmut what can I do please tell me, advice me, guide me or simply point me in the right direction. The muddle that’s my trouble is this. I have been married for nearly three whole weeks and my wife doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I think she may be more interested in her work partner, a woman half her age, who’s a bit of a tart to say the least! I know! I know, that is so, un-PC but I’m hurt, upset, I feel fat, ugly, I’ve got acne and to top it all a king size boil on my foo-foo ! Do you think there is any hope for our marriage?

Kind Regards, Mandy - Sidmouth

Answer 1: Oh my, oh gosh, oh crikey, oh blooming heck, oh Mandy of Sidmouth. What can I say , what can I advice, how can I guide you? What if the direction I point you in is the wrong way? On a basic micro level, what if I tell you to lance the boil on your foo-foo and that’s not the done thing anymore but you followed my advice and your foo-foo fell off - how would I feel about that? or I suppose more importantly how would you feel about that? This is really a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I don’t want to get it wrong but how will I know what’s right. Anyway, lets have a bash at it. When you say she’s not interested in you anymore do you mean like totally not interested - for example zippo interest? Not a smidgen, no side way glance? No sneaking a quick look over the top of the newspaper? No walking in front of you then bending over to tie their shoelace and taking a sneaky peak at you between their legs? No? no ? Okay, lets put things into some sort of order and take one step at a time. The order I suggest is a clear logical one and is as follows: 1)HURT 2)UPSET 3)FAT 4)UGLY 5)ACNE 6)BOIL ON FOO-FOO. I would now like you to totally focus your attention on an honest quest - are you really hurt, upset, fat, ugly, have acne and a boil on your foo-foo or are you just going full pelt for a sympathy vote? I don’t mind either way, that’s what I’m here for. I’m here to share your burden. I’m ultimately here to help you on your journey to happiness and fulfilment. I’m not sure how to achieve the objective at this precise moment in time but we have to carry on. Onwards and upwards as the saying goes, one foot in front of the other, chin up - chest out ! Oh my goodness ! Oh my goodness ! OH MY GOODNESS!! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS ! It’s just come to me in a blinding flash of inspiration! I bet your on the MENOPAUSE ! That will be it ! There you go ! I reckon I’ve sorted it for you! I’m well chuffed. Kind regards - Helmut Von-Head.

For no fuss, practical and emotional advice to any muddles or struggles you may have please Email: PallattWoodStudio@Bedlum.co.uk